Starbucks Unveils ‘Bring Your Own Barista’ Program Amid Nationwide Labor Shortages

In a move both innovative and desperate, Starbucks has introduced a new program called “Bring Your Own Barista” (BYOB) in response to the ongoing labor crisis. Customers can now make their own drinks using the store’s equipment—provided they sign a waiver releasing Starbucks from liability for “hot liquid incidents” and “foam density inconsistencies.”

The rollout has been rocky. Longtime customer Rachel Simmons from Seattle described her first experience with BYOB as “humbling.” “I used to complain about the foam on my latte,” she admitted. “Now I know what it’s like to froth milk under pressure while three angry people shout their orders at you.”

Despite promises of a “fully immersive coffee experience,” chaos has erupted in many stores. In Denver, a customer fight broke out over the last clean blender. In Phoenix, an ambitious patron attempted to create a triple-layer frappuccino, resulting in a small fire and caramel drizzle on the ceiling.

Critics argue that Starbucks is offloading labor costs onto its customers. “It’s bad enough I’m paying $7 for a coffee,” said one frustrated patron in Austin. “Now I have to fill out a W-9 just to get a caramel macchiato?” Others have pointed out the program’s “tipping dilemma,” with many customers awkwardly leaving dollar bills in jars labeled “To Myself, From Myself.”

Corporate leadership has defended the program, with Starbucks CEO Ethan Rivers claiming it is a “visionary response to modern challenges.” “This is more than coffee,” Rivers said during a press conference. “This is empowerment. This is community. This is you making a cappuccino while we save money.”

The BYOB program has also drawn criticism from former employees. “I was let go last week,” said Sarah Jenkins, a barista in New York City. “Now I’m watching the guy who used to yell at me about oat milk ratios spilling it all over himself. It’s poetic justice, but I also need to pay rent.”

Meanwhile, customers are left navigating a maze of espresso machines, syrup bottles, and existential dread. One customer in Chicago reportedly tried to steam almond milk but accidentally deep-cleaned the machine instead. “I just wanted a latte,” he said, staring at his burnt hand. “Now I think I’ve voided the warranty on this thing.”

Despite the chaos, Starbucks has hinted at expanding the program. A leaked memo revealed plans for a “Drive-Thru DIY” model, where customers pull up to brew their drinks while waiting in line. Early tests have been described as “disastrous,” with one carload of frat boys clogging the espresso machine by attempting to blend protein powder directly into the grounds.

As other industries watch the program closely, many fear it could set a dangerous precedent. “First Starbucks, now what?” asked consumer advocate Karen Fields. “Will I need to cook my own Big Mac next?”

For now, Starbucks insists the program is here to stay. “We’ve always been about creating personal experiences,” Rivers added. “And what’s more personal than screwing up your own latte?”