Trump Cancels Jesus for “Lack of Loyalty”

“He’s been dead for 2,000 years and still never thanked me. Very ungrateful.”

MAR-A-LAGO, FL — In a rambling Sunday press conference that veered between Scripture, campaign talking points, and vague threats to “rewrite Easter,” Donald Trump appeared to disavow Jesus Christ, accusing the religious figure of “disloyalty, weak branding, and total silence” in the face of Trump’s many legal battles.

“I brought back Merry Christmas, okay? That was me,” Trump began. “Not Jesus. Not the Pope. Me. And I never got a thank-you note. Not one.”

He went on to describe the Son of God as “kinda low energy, if you really look at it,” and questioned why Jesus never endorsed his 2020 or 2024 campaigns, despite “all I’ve done for religion.”

“He had twelve followers. I had millions. And yet, they call him the savior?” Trump said, visibly agitated. “He walked around barefoot, folks. Meanwhile, I had tariffs. I moved the embassy. I gave Israel more than Moses did.”

Descent into Delusion

Staffers were reportedly alarmed as Trump began confusing biblical parables with campaign rallies, referring to the Sermon on the Mount as “a low-rated speech, frankly,” and claiming that “Jesus could’ve raised the dead, but chose not to intervene when the votes were stolen.”

Sources inside Mar-a-Lago say the former president has become increasingly fixated on Biblical characters and whether they supported him.

• He referred to Pontius Pilate as “an early Deep State actor.”

• Accused Mary Magdalene of leaking to CNN.

• Suggested that Judas was “probably funded by Soros.”

At one point, Trump reportedly stared at a stained-glass image of the Crucifixion for several minutes before muttering, “Looks like a hoax.”

The Trump Testament

Aides confirmed that Trump is working on his own version of the Bible—The Trump Testament—which will remove all references to turning the other cheek, loving thy neighbor, and humility, and instead emphasize “winning, vengeance, and never conceding.”

“If Jesus comes back, I’ll talk to him,” Trump said. “But if he doesn’t endorse me, we may have to look at that. I’m not saying arrest him—just something to think about.”

Chilling Reactions

• Evangelical leaders remained silent, unsure if it was performance or something more concerning.

• QAnon influencers flooded forums, now debating whether Jesus was a "RINO" or if “Trump is the Second Coming.”

• Mental health professionals privately expressed worry, noting the blurring line between satire, dementia, and power.

“This wasn’t a joke,” said one former aide. “He meant it. He believes it. And the crowd cheered.”

“A lot of people say I’ve done more for Christianity than Jesus ever did. I don’t say it. People say it. But maybe they’re right.”