Trump Fires All “Migrants” From Golf Course: Advocates Child Labor

“We love the kids. The little ones. Great workers. Very flexible.”

BEDMINSTER, NJ — Former President Donald Trump has reportedly fired all migrant workers from his Bedminster golf course following a surprise inspection by what he called “some very nosy people with clipboards and too much attitude.”

During an impromptu press conference held near the 13th hole, Trump fielded increasingly incoherent questions about the workers’ immigration status, occasionally changing the subject to golf scores, spa packages, and his plans for “a big, beautiful Children’s Workforce Initiative.”

“Look, some of the people, they’re very nice, very brown, very small hands, some of them,” Trump said, gesturing vaguely at a hedge. “But we have rules, right? Strong rules. We’re following the rules very strongly now. Because Joe Biden? He doesn’t even know what a golf course is.”

When asked about rumors that undocumented labor had been used for years at the club, Trump leaned into the mic and whispered, “Fake news,” before loudly declaring:

“We had the best spa staff. Incredible. We had children—children! Working the spa. Little hands, you know, for massages, very delicate. You don’t get that with the union thugs. The unions don’t like children. Why is that? You ever wonder?”

Scrambling for a Legal Defense

Asked whether employing minors violated child labor laws, Trump responded:

“No, no. They’re not employees. They’re future patriots. It’s training. Training camp.”

He then launched into a ten-minute digression about his 1983 handshake with Ronald Reagan and how children in the ‘80s “knew how to work a damn towel.”

His Speech Took Several Sharp Turns, Including:

• “We vetted them, we vetted their aunts, their birthdays. Some had birthdays that were very suspicious. I said, 'That’s a fake October.'”

• “You ever see an 8-year-old clean a steam room? They’re amazing. Very nimble, very economical.”

• “Melania loved the kid who cleaned her sandals. Very polite. Never said a word. Tremendous silence.”

Child Labor Critics React

Labor rights groups were swift to condemn the remarks.

Amnesty International called Trump’s comments “stunningly dystopian,” while the Department of Labor issued a statement reminding employers that “children are not a supply chain.”

Meanwhile, Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene responded to the controversy by tweeting:

“Kids should learn to work instead of reading CRT gender fairy tales. Trump 2028!”